Hello Friends

Hi tumblr I’m going through the worst day of my life. But I’m too puss to complain on Facebook where people will all read it and ask what’s wrong like I’m some veteran attention whore. Just needed to say it somewhere. Fuck today

So just to be an ass, I made a Xanga today.  true story.

http://kmill92.xanga.com/  

Down in the cracks

Of the Great Salt Flats

Lived a little boy Robert

He herded rats

In a ratty young life

Simply loaded with strife

Robert himself

Wished he just had a knife

He was given the chance

When a man came from France

To deliver a knife

That knew chilling romance

For the strife-ridding knife

Had a forceful request

It beseeched of poor Robert

To unite with his chest

A humble, dumb boy

Robert said he approved

So in went the knife

But was never removed

The knife sure loved Robert

It had a thing for the lad

To this day it doesn’t realize

That it’d done something bad

When he turned on the lamp,

The little boy felt a fright.

For the air ‘round him felt damp.

The room stayed shades of night.

What was he to do?

Just a frightened new soul,

He sought out his parents,

He hoped to sleep as a whole.

They laughed and they sighed

This was done all at once

They knew there was nothing to fear

They had lived here for months

So dad took him to the room

With a flashlight in hand

The light saw just a broom

In a deserted play land

Son don’t fear the dark

Even I’m not a fan

Were the last words dad said

Before killed by a man

The lesson we learned

What we all took away

The dark can hide evil

So you all better pray

But even if not

It’s truly okay

For inside the dark

They await ignorant prey 

Okay, so, before I get too crazy involved in storytelling.  Let me start off by reminding you that everyone grows up…and sometimes it really puts a damper on things to take note of that.  Of course, maybe it took me a bit longer than other people; however, I’m not saying I’ve ever been immature.  In fact, I’ve always acted something to the effect of an 18 year old who is trying to act like he’s already reached his midlife crisis.  This affects my social skills, my sense of humor, and therefore my ability to back up any situation where a girl gets past enjoying the way I look or dress.  Once she’s awoken from that lull, I can’t keep her interested for more than a split second.  But in that split second, I’m clearly going to be her friend forever.  So basically, I’m your typical awkward, desperate geek…just with some absolutely inexplicable means of attracting a girl physically and then proving a waste of her time. 

                The funny part is I’m pretty sure that doesn’t matter at all to anyone but me.  I kind of live my life as if I’ve already taken on the challenge to find the end of the world, and I’ve fallen off the side.  (And you thought the world was round.)  So basically, I bit off more than I can chew.  To any effect, day in and day out the professors here at Lehigh University don’t seem to notice anything special in me.  It’s funny how you can spend your whole life working to get somewhere compared to Ivy League status schools, and then get once more told that you’re not THAT special by the piercingly disinterested tone of the philosophy professor calling your name when taking attendance.  (Choke on a big one, Dr. Benson.)

“Gavin Long.”

It’s funny how two words contain my entire identity.  It’s also funny how my internal thoughts have to note and criticize literally everything.  Then again, according to Mia, I do that out loud too.  Before you prove absolutely amazed by the fact that I know a girl, her name is Mia Butler.  No we aren’t dating.  Yes, I wish we were.  Oh man, the common college guy who can’t get a girl.  If that’s all you see here I’m glad you’re going to tune out, because this girl is one complex excuse for a body.  Now, I’m not being literal.  She’s absolutely beautiful.  But, she has got to be the most difficult person to be “there for.”  So I guess you could say that this is an in depth approach to Mia Butler.  Oh, Mia.  Why can’t you at least PRETEND to be worth all this crap? 

Welcome to my world; this is the same thing as saying welcome to Mia’s world…and no, I’m not exaggerating.  You see, she’s the typical girl that has it all.  She’s got looks, intelligence, wealthy parents, and enough extra-curricular activities to make you sick.  Before you get jealous, girls, realize that she also has quite the bad habit of binge drinking.  Who knows if it was the ex boyfriend, or the stress from working towards college, or if she’s suppressing some disturbing memory?  All that anyone knows is that she’s work.  But at the end of the day, I always hope it’s worth it.  Just last week she came to my room crying at 3:00 A.M.  After the puke was flushed from my toilet bowl she told me that she needed a man who could care for her.  You’re probably thinking jackpot.  Nope.  3 hours of venting pass and she’s out the door to get ready to have breakfast with the guy she’s seeing.  I guess he’s a nice bit of stress, too.  

Now, I’m not a parent yet.  Not planning to be for a while to be quite honest.  But, am I the only person who has noticed just how absolutely loaded with crap some parents are?  They don’t even mean to be, that’s the most depressing part.  I feel that it’s almost indescribable, but hell, I like a challenge.  A parent will play the overprotective role just enough to get you through high school/to legal adulthood, but not too much if you’re actually reading a blog like this…seeing as the overly overprotective parents generally produce fantastic drug dealers or consumers of drug dealer friends’ products who took that route as well.  But who knows, maybe you’re toking it up and enjoying a nice contemplative story on a Tumblr account with not even 30 followers.   In any case, I’ve come to notice that these parents preach the same thing to their kids but thank god some know when to back off about it.  They’ll say, “I WISH I had someone to tell me this crap when I was your age!  You should feel lucky that I went through that so I can prevent you from being stuck in the same terrible situation!”  Blahblahblah.  To be honest, unless you’re from this generation of current/recent students of high school/college (not respectively by any means), you probably won’t understand nor agree with me…but…tell me, please.  Do people generally just do EVERYTHING they’re told and begged to do and then become successful and mentally correct?  I swear, the parents who know when to back off and understand that a kid/guy/girl/young’n/man/woman/whateveryougobyhere needs to make mistakes to learn for themselves as that IS a huge part of life, the parents that ACTUALLY understand that and aren’t acting, kudos.  You’ve just passed the younger generations test of good parenting.  I know my parents did, I’ve got screws loose, but they did a great job to be frank.  Now, I’m sure plenty of people will disagree with me and, if you plan on trying to shoot this down, save your time, I really don’t care.  It’s my personal opinion and I’m not forcing you to agree by any means… I mean really, if you’ve got a problem with this concept and you still kept reading this far, find a hobby.  But the parents that consistently go too far, they’ll always repeat this even when the kid is 18 and ready to move on as an adult.  They keep saying “You don’t even know nor appreciate how much I care!”  Some are drunk and emotional, some angry, some collected and delusional.  Yes, you care a ton and we all appreciate that as young/recent adults.  We always will appreciate you and you fail to see it just as much as you think we fail to appreciate.  This speech of I’m just trying to protect you and look out for you and make sure you have a good life is just aggravating sometimes.  Because we all understand that, but we want to take our own risks.  Legally, we have that right.  But parents hold the household, parent card, and anything else they can over your head sometimes to try and tell you that as an 18 year old male or female, NO, you must do what you’re told still.  Not just by the government which now fully considers you a legal adult, but also still by your parents which you’re now legally as far as save a credit rating, finished education (sometimes), renting a car, buying alcohol (legally), etc.  But tell me how that works.  Please.  Yes that is necessary sometimes but as you’ve become an adult, don’t you agree that a parent needs to let you make your own mistakes for once?  I swear, they seem to forget that the only reason they know that well what worked and didn’t work in their lives is because they took that risk.  Nobody simply learns the life experience by being tought, it is EXPERIENCED.  Hence the word included before.  We can’t just be told to realize it’s a bad idea, if it truly is, we’ll learn just as harshly as they did.  That’s what taught them so well in the first place.  It almost feels demeaning, too, when some parents try to say I just want what’s best for you because I was there.  That’s them more or less admitting that, at least sometimes, their care is them trying to relive their youth the “right” way through you.  The problem I see with that is that everyone lives their own life, it’s not like we’re living the same life as our parents.  These are different times, with different possibilities, and different standards.  My frustration which drove me to writing this blog was about my girlfriend’s mom who is trying to tell her 18 year old daughter that she isn’t permitted to make her own decisions even if she’s not living with her at that point.  Granted, she literally won’t be able to do anything about it, but the pure ballsy-ness to do that is not only a backhand to the receiver in my opinion, but is also an extreme irrationality.  I know some of these thoughts are jumbled but you know what I mean.  All this jumbled, incoherent thought circumferences the main point that we are adults and must be free to make our own mistakes or good decisions.  We are legally free to do such but I feel like a parent will grip any control they can sometimes.  I hope if any parent ever reads this that they don’t try to assume I’m pointing a razor of accusations towards them, simply that they understand this point.  How is it fair to a child that they’re told that even at the age of 18, they are not permitted to make the choices (within legality of course) that they want to make, even if they’re not bad.  We fall to learn to get back up, from birth.  How can we come out stronger on the other side if we only take someones word on key life experiences.  It is in no way a means of saying that a parent doesn’t have experience nor intelligence, but it is a means of saying that the experience cannot be transferred, only spoken of.  Suggesting or recommending is okay, but when you start telling your, now adult, offspring that they can or cannot do something, you’re begging to be pushed away.  Let your kids grow as you did because it’s a different day and a different life, obviously keep tabs on them and make sure they’re not about to rob a bank, but don’t tell them they can’t make bold decisions even if they may be bad ones some day.  It’s the only way to grow and the only way to become the wiser.  Sorry again for the jumbled thoughts, I’m in quite the frustrated mood.  

So, to all you reading this, I’m using the time I should be spending studying my history book to write out some thoughts that have constantly been irking me.  Okay well, if you know me well, you know I struggle with the belief in a god.  I don’t praise the idea of atheism; I simply don’t understand what I can believe.  Practically speaking, I don’t see it as even feasible for a single entity to be capable of answering all of our prayers, guiding us through situations even gently, nor empowering every single one of us to handle certain things a certain way.  But that’s the point, isn’t it?  God would be able to do that, no problem!  But past that…what about historically speaking?  The earth is millions, hell, I don’t know, maybe billions of years old.  I’m not interested in googling the fact right now.  What I’m questioning is, how many cycles of human life or similar-to have there been?  Also, why is it that each society/culture had it’s set of gods or a single one?  The answer to that is in fact, an answer.  Humanity needs an answer for a question, it’s hard-wired into each and every one of our brains.  Some of us resist that urge or suppress it, but we’ve all experienced it at one point or another.  These cultures explained the unexplained by adopting various faiths in various gods.  There was a god who rolled the sun across the sky in Egypt, and one that controlled the realm of death…but you get the point.  It’s clear that we envision these entities to answer the questions we have in life.  Now, we’ve reached modern day.  Science can explain nearly all questions and THANK GOD (no pun intended) there is no beetle rolling our sun across the sky.  In its place, we find logic that we revolve around the sun and only view it for a certain amount of time in a certain area of the sky at a certain point in each day.  The god figure that remains today generally explains the last question that science hasn’t (yet) explained.  Death.  So yes, I am a bit worried.  If death is explained past the concept of the permanent cessation of life of someone/thing, then I fear even I will have trouble accepting the concept of a lord.  Yes I want to know what happens (if anything) when we die SO BADLY; but no, I do not want to know, for if we do learn, then we may never see a stable religion again.  I feel like even an atheist would WANT to be wrong about their beliefs because, why would anyone want to disappear forever, I mean really?  On that note, will our society become largely atheist if post-death is explained/revealed?  But like I said before, don’t take me for an atheist.  I simply am a skeptical believer who wants to be able to fully believe but innately NEEDS to question things.  I can’t suspend my hunger for an answer.  It just is hard to surrender your logic for something that you cannot truly explain nor be sure of.  I guess that’s why they call it faith, though.